This is not a neutral word in anyone’s vocabulary. It evokes strong emotions and seems that almost everyone’s life has been touched by the impact of this word, either by direct personal experience or the reverberations of the divorce of a family member, friend, neighbor, business associate, etc. The effects of divorce on its participants can range from the feelings of a disrupted life all the way to a sense of total devastation.
I have a somewhat unique perspective of divorce, combining the end of my own marriage of twenty years with my experiences as a psychotherapist in private practice. Both personally and professionally, I can attest to sweeping changes that emerge from a divorce.
I had always dreamt of a house, a yard, children to fill the house and a dog to romp in the yard. But post–divorce, at age forty three, I found that I had all of that—all by myself! I felt overwhelmed and ill–equipped to face the challenges and hurdles ahead of me. Simple, organizational tasks seemed insurmountable and just getting through each day felt like a big accomplishment.
Kali is the name of the Hindu goddess of destruction. As scary and awesome as the images of her title evokes, she actually represents the destruction of what may be blocking one from living one’s best life. From this destruction comes CONSTRUCTION. Divorce, while destroying much in its path, can actually lead to the construction of a more empowered life and expression of self. What one does with the aftermath of divorce, and the choices that one makes, is what sets the foundation and tone for life after divorce.
Hillary Clinton used the phrase “It takes a village to raise a child.” The same is true for making a solid recovery from divorce. Supportive family members, friends, spiritual guidance, therapists, support groups, books, attorneys, exercise, and your divorce team are all components of a community from which a divorced person can draw upon. And one of the most important members of a divorce team can be a financial advisor.
In my own marriage, I had hidden myself from fiscal knowledge. I let my ex–husband be mainly in charge of finances, while, in complete avoidance of them, I literally buried my head in the sand. Why this was true provided rich material for me to ponder and grow from post–divorce, but in the years immediately following my divorce, I had many years of denial to overcome.
The task was daunting.
I began tackling it by allowing myself to accept the invitation of a beloved friend to come to my house to help set up my filing system and organize my monthly process to pay the bills. As embarrassed as I was to reveal my complete lack of competence in this arena, I knew that I had to start somewhere. I felt completely safe with her, and to this day, almost twelve years later, the original filing system is still fully functional.
Soon after I began working with my friend, I gained a small sense of mastery and accomplishment as my newly organized financial world soothed my overwhelmed self. While I had the intelligence and ability to accomplish financial tasks on my own, I needed guidance and a supportive hand to pull me along. I will never forget this act of love and support from my friend. It was a starting place for my healing, independence, and mastering what I was very afraid of–managing my own finances. For many women, this is one of the most frightening aspects of divorce. I have since gone on to seek the invaluable counsel of a professional financial planner to help deepen and broaden my empowerment.
Based on my own experience, and from counseling other women in transition, I can reassure the newly divorced woman that many wonderful aspects of life can emerge from this dark and difficult passage. I invite you to consider replacing the phrase “I am falling apart”, with the phrase “I am breaking open” which evokes wonderful images of something ready to bloom, ready to emerge, ready to take life on from a new perspective!
Ranette (Randi) Waldman is a Licensed Professional Psychotherapist in private practice. She is also co–founder of iTHRiVE, a women’s educational community supporting women living fully throughout their lifespan with a sense of being engaged, involved, energized and alive!
You may contact Randi at 303–692–1490.